As for us all going 4 separate ways, I don’t think that’s likely. I’d be surprised if something so catastrophic happened that caused *all four* of the current relationships to break up simultaneously. I’d also be surprised if we all stayed together forever as we are, ended up all moving in together and having children and generally living as a family in contentment (Though I’d very much *like* this to happen). Most likely something in between those two things will happen. However, we can lean fate in our favour by striving for what we want to happen, whilst having a healthy “enjoy the ride” attitude. As Dan said, I think it’s the presenting attitude of “isn’t everything fabulous” that somewhat hides the careful thought and discussion the goes on behind the scenes. It’s working well because we’re working at it, just like any relationship.

Having more close relationships is a lot more work, there is a limit to the time and energy of each person. It’s about balancing all the different kinds of relationships you have in a way that keeps all the other people happy and you sane. I feel the point of having a relationship of any sort is to experience it, not to achieve a particular outcome.

I think the reason you’ll have heard more from me, though, is simply because I’m loudest. I blog lots, I write about what’s going on in my life with reasonable regularity, and I’ve got no problem with “coming out” about things that are, let’s face it, a little controversial. Plus, I know that my blog is pretty central in advertising “what’s going on”: whether it’s who’s-sleeping-with-whom or where next Troma Night will be held.

Finally, I think it’s mostly coincidence. I’ve got another blog post about the quad planned, but it can wait until next year, I think. I expect that if the mood takes them, Claire, Ruth or JTA can be relied upon to say whatever they’re thinking about the whole thing.

–Jon

Yeah, Ruth is taller, but people tend to sleep with their heads on the pillows no matter what height they are, and in the dark, when you’re tired, the back of somebody’s head doesn’t make it easy. I suppose I could use my feet to work out how tall the person I’m next to is, but not without tickling their feet, which might wake them. It’s a tough call.

Yes, it appeared twice. Sometimes the spam filter on my blog can take a few minutes to decide if a new comment – particularly a long one – is spam or not, and that’s evidently what happened with yours, which is why it didn’t appear immediately. I’ll go back and delete the duplicate when I can be bothered.

I’ve promised myself I wouldn’t mention any names of “who said what” in the context of this post. Sorry.

But hey, it’s good to have your support. And yeah, we make it look easy, and some things about it are easier than people might expect (jealousy has been a very minor inconvenience, for me at least – so much so that even if it weren’t for the additional relationships I’d probably have felt it in a comparable “quantity”)… and some things about it aren’t as easy as we make out (but that’s mostly because nobody likes a man with two hot-bi-babe girlfriends complaining about his relationship problems).

Thanks for your comments. And if you do have any questions, of course, that haven’t been answered, or any comments on the whole thing, I’d love to hear them. There’s a “contact” link at the top of the page.

Idealism – Yes, in many ways you’re right. And I’m under no illusions that this is a plain-sailing way to live. It’s already got challenges, and it’ll probably continue to get harder before there’s even a chance it’ll get easier. But I’m not involved in the whole thing out of some quest for idealism but because it’s what I want to do.

Love – I’m quite aware of what love is, and you’re quite right. And yes, it’s difficult, but it’s also rewarding.

Naivety – I think you’re mistaken. I play out that it’s all simple and easy, and blog posts like this – with a tongue-in-cheek look at only the simplest of the challenges involved – don’t change that, but I know first-hand how complicated relationships can be. Particularly relationships that are complicated by construction.

I’m impressed that you’re able to see beyond the facade of rainbows and fluffy stars and things, Jon, to know that there are still real relationship issues that we have to deal with, and that they’re made far more difficult by having extra people involved. But I think you’ve jumped to conclusions by assuming that we *aren’t* aware that those issues are there, or that we’re trying to paper over them and live in the moment.

Anyway: thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate it.

… but I’m sure you don’t give a fuck about what I think, so here is your chance to go to another site …

… I think you’re being very idealist, and idealists always end up getting bruised.

I think it is very easy to say that love is not a commodity, but it really is. Love, past the initial mushy stage, is almost entirely a very practical thing. Love is driving around in the rush hour on a Friday evening trying to get to someone, and it’s doing the hoovering and not expecting thanks. Love buying her a chocloate bar when you go to the shops and ordering something different in a restaurant because you know your partner would like to taste some of your dinner. It is a million tiny practical decisions each day. And it’s fucking knackering.

I think it’s almost touching, almost -cute-, how naive you’re being about your relationship. I’m sure you’re enjoying yourself very much at the moment, but when the weight of trying to balance and herd a set of priorities which has grown triple begins to sag onto your shoulders, I think (and I hope) you’ll reconsider, before it kills you and you go from being two (happy?) couples to four individuals walking off in different directions.

I have much more of this in me, some vitriolic, some calm, but I don’t think it’s well placed in a blog comment.

–Jon

“One particular couple took the approach of being so cool with it they didn’t even feel the need to pass comment on it”

Was this me and Sian?

If so then it was more that there were too many immediate questions which presented themselves and I couldn’t think which one I wanted to ask first. I was unsurprised to find that you’d made this ’step’ – beyond the initial ‘hello, what’s going on? oh that must be what’s going on’ which lasted under a minute.

I honestly see no problem with this kind of thing. I’ve thought about it a fair bit since learning you were ‘quadding’ and I think it’s a positive step. Who wants jealousy and possesiveness in their relationship? Who honestly thinks one person can provide all the companionship you’ll ever need? This strikes me as a very honest way to structure your life. I imagine most of the negative reactions are kneejerk ones. Your point about love not being a finite resource is spot on and well made.

I’m sure I’ve said some of this already actually in Ruth’s blog.

It seems almost patronising to say ‘good luck with it’ given how easy you’ve made it sound. Nonetheless I hope you’ll take it as wishing you well rather than implying in any way that you’ll need luck.

Was this me and Sian?

If so then it was more that there were too many immediate questions which presented themselves and I couldn’t think which one I wanted to ask first. I was unsurprised to find that you’d made this ’step’ – beyond the initial ‘hello, what’s going on? oh that must be what’s going on’ which lasted under a minute.

I honestly see no problem with this kind of thing. I’ve thought about it a fair bit since learning you were ‘quadding’ and I think it’s a positive step. Who wants jealousy and possesiveness in their relationship? Who honestly thinks one person can provide all the companionship you’ll ever need? This strikes me as a very honest way to structure your life. I imagine most of the negative reactions are kneejerk ones. Your point about love not being a finite resource is spot on and well made.

I’m sure I’ve said some of this already actually in Ruth’s blog.

It seems almost patronising to say ‘good luck with it’ given how easy you’ve made it sound. Nonetheless I hope you’ll take it as wishing you well rather than implying in any way that you’ll need luck.

You might a well just accept it now.